Confessional

I had this entire letter written...well, based off of an entry in my real journal that was pretty much the same thing. I'm writing two stories...based loosely on my life. Not that either story is cataloguing fact; rather, the one is as if I'm taking my life and putting it up to a mosaic of mirrors. Some of the reflections are distorted, but if one looks closely they can see the vestiges of truth shining through. The other...well, it's a sequel to a story that I didn't write. The moral of the story? Love is the greatest darkness of all. Fun, huh? Just what you want to show to all of those grad schools and publications when they ask for your portfolio. Good thing my major isn't writing.
But here's the thing: the letter, the one I wrote? It's full of confessions, memories and feelings that I have kept inside of me for a long time - think half a decade or longer. And now they're in plain black and white, for any bloke who isn't careful to stick his nose into and find out everything. The real pisser is, I can't bring myself to hand the blasted thing over to the one person for whom they are meant! This is taking on epic proportions. I can't eat, I can't sleep (normally, anyway, as I'm having twisted dreams that I don't understand and wouldn't care to), I'm constantly irritable...and I can't say with absolute certainty if the cause is reason A: stress; reason B: fear that I'm going to botch an important relationship; or reason C: fear that I'm going to botch an even more important relationship. Oh...and I can't decide which relationship is which.
Glad you aren't me? You should be.
Unfortunately, I can't take a vacation from that lovely position. So now, I have to face
the other party in one said important relationship and find out if all the things I've been thinking and feeling are correct. The easiest thing, of course, would be to hear that I'm off my rocker and have been imagining things for far too long - therapy will cost far less in the long run. I've a feeling, though, that my answer is going to be the one I'm seeking and dreading at the same time. If it is...well, there's no question of what will or won't happen if it is. That answer, at least, is crystal clear: nothing. Except, of course, for the fact that I'll be even more miserable in one respect than before. It's the bloody breaks to know something and not to be in a position to do anything about it.
Maybe, though, knowing one will help me come to terms with the other. And terms, hard as they are to come by, are desperately in order. Oh, help.
Metaphysical update, not very comforting - there's a wide ring around the moon. Trouble's coming...and I'm afraid I know how. But Saturn's transitioning Leo and there's lunation in my 5th house (no, not lunacy), so perhaps I can head it off.
So it goes.