I'm Tired

I'm tired of being punished for something that was supposedly forgiven. "I'm sorry" only goes so far, but when you say "I forgive you" it means that the slate is clean - a new day.

I've been warring with my ex for the last two weeks or so. At first we were friendly and civil to each other, and we discussed different options for exchanging items that we had belonging to the other. It isn't a perfect situation by any means, but there were no harsh words and there was actually the possibility for friendship.

But now, I'm surrounded by his hate. Don't get me wrong - I treated him badly in our relationship, and while the breakup may not have been entirely my fault, I can take the majority of the blame honestly. Still, after several phone calls hashing out all of the issues that even when he left me he couldn't mention, it seems that I've yet again done something to invoke his ire.

The thought crossed my mind momentarily that perhaps this show of hate is to disguise the fact that, once again, he feels he made a mistake in breaking up with me. I'm inclined to disagree, for while I can't say what will happen in the future, I know that he isn't the one for me now. Regardless, the last time we broke up he avoided me and acted like a complete jerk to me because he couldn't stand admitting to himself that he had made a mistake in leaving me.

Then I stop and think, and it becomes clear to me just how wrong that theory is. Last time he just avoided me, while this time he makes it his mission to point out that I'm wrong, or that I'm not worth his time or efforts. He has changed, from a good young man who hated smoking and drinking and practically condemned me for indulging in the latter (one time!) to a teenaged punk who smokes and drinks practically all the time. The vices aren't so bad, apparently, once they've been experienced that first time.

I only wish that I could forget about him, or that underneath the anger and the hate I could just kill the part of me that still cares for him in a good way, that piece of me that worries and wonders if he's really alright, or if he's just trying to fill a void.

If anybody knows how to do that...let me know.