Up and Down Like a Roller Coaster

Everything and everybody is bipolar this week.

First, an update: I went to Washington, D.C. with the team for Model NATO from 21-25 February. Great fun! We took Outstanding Delegation and had a blast walking the city and just hanging out.
...it was also my first experience of intoxication. No, I'm serious.

I knew that it would most likely happen sometime, and I cannot possibly bring myself to be sorry for actually doing it. It hurt Brian, and for that I am sorry, as I've told him. Not only that, but other things happened that week which, again, I'm not sorry for but still feel horrible that I hurt Brian.

And this is why he is bipolar this week. First he tells me that everything will be okay, then he avoids me for an entire day. This is a pattern that has perpetuated itself until yesterday, when he proclaimed to me that I am indeed the love of his life and the one with whom he wants to spend the rest of his days.

Wait a second...did I mention that he proposed to me? And that I said yes? ...And that he took it back after my D.C. encounter?

I won't fall into that trap again for awhile. I can't.

Another update: I'm not the assistant editor of the newspaper anymore. After something of a back-and-forth between Kim and me, I (she) decided that I should step down to Copy Editor and let Peter take my place. The fact that the rest of the editorial staff agreed, indeed even that she asked them, makes me feel both better and worse.

Talk about bipolarity.

The biggest problem I have with my current situation is that I have no idea who I can trust and who I can't. So instead of being the open person I normally am, I have to reserve myself and be very careful about who I tell what. This is a great opportunity for me to experience what life will be like when I join the mainstream workforce. Still, it kills me that I have to second-guess everything people I consider friends say to me.

I can count on one hand the people I really trust with everything in my life. That is both good and bad, good that I have anyone at all but bad that there are so many who used to fit into that category and now are in the "I can tell them this much and that's it" category.

I feel ambivalent about everything. I want this semester to be over so all of the crap will go away, but I'm still making good memories and I'm a part of something now that won't ever be quite the same once I leave. I lack purpose at the moment, and it shows. Even Katie left me a comment earlier: "Your new picture is so sad, and so is your poetry. What's wrong?"

I wish I knew, Katie...I wish I knew.