Kicking the Addiction

I'm hooked on you, I need a fix, I can't take it
Just one more hit, I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it, just one more time then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this...

Some addictions are worse than drugs, worse than alcohol. They produce the same effects, but in infinitely more acute and painful ways. Drugs ruin your life...so can alcohol. But an my addiction is far worse.

Whenever I'm online I look for one name. I search my inbox for one return address. When my phone rings I perk up, only to fall dejected when it's the wrong ringtone. Sounds like I'm in love, right?

Wrong. I'm addicted.

I'm not looking for Brian. I'm not searching for Brian's address...I'm not listening for Brian's ringtone.

It's harmful, because I could very well lose everything I hold dear, everything I really love (read: Brian) because of it. Smoking would hurt him, and he doesn't like drinking - but this is a deal breaker. I've indulged my addiction; it's worse than heroin. Luckily, I don't need it to breathe. I don't need it to live.

I do need it to end.

So it ends here.

Forget the racing heartbeat, the red in my cheeks, the searching and waiting for validation that will never come. It's time to focus on what's really there, what I can see and feel in my heart.

Look at the love, not the addiction.