Nightingale

Nightingale, sing us a song
Of a love that once belonged...

Nightingales sing sad songs. I think that, if I had a nightingale, that song would be appropriate. I can't say why.

I think that ennui is turning into something deeper, something worse and more pervasive than I would originally have thought. There doesn't seem to be anywhere to go, anything to do, or the resources with which to do it even if I had the opportunity. Too much is never enough...where does that leave those of us who can't even reach excess?

There seems to be every reason in the world to be sad; I just can't figure out what the reasons are. It's this ineffable weight. There's worry, and there's anger, and there's sadness. It's tough to analyze, because most of it is tough to even recognize. Maybe there's a little fear laced in, too...or maybe I've just been sleeping too much. The truth is, there is every reason in the world to be grateful. I'm overweight and I wish I could lose two or three sizes - but at least I have enough food to eat and the desire to better myself. I'm always tired - but I have a warm bed to sleep in and blankets to cover me. And so the list goes on.

I'm having a tough time resolving who I am with who I want to be, and where I want to go. Don't ask me why, because I don't know. That is the problem. I have dreams and ambition, but then I worry that maybe I'm not good enough, or I'll get to where I think I want to be and only then will I realize that the path I've followed is the wrong one. Every night I ask God to go before me and set the path I'm meant to follow, but every day in the light I feel more cloaked in darkness than ever.

This, then, is the problem that creates the other problems - they're simply symptoms of a greater disease. I'm losing my faith. I love God and I believe in all the things I've been taught, but in my hubris I'm relying too much on myself and my own capabilities, which are far too raw and incapable of taking me where I need to be. God has the answers and God knows the way...though I know when I'm done with this post I'll have to fight myself to remember that.

We'll see what happens. That, of course, is my mantra. "We'll see." Of course, identifying the problem is the first and hardest step toward solving it. So I need to be diligent now, and ever faithful. Stay where You are, God, I'm coming back to You.