Falling

There's something missing in my life right now. I have yet to figure out what it is... Yesterday I sat in the same spot for three and a half hours, dividing my staring between the television and my "Writing Fiction" book. It is an interesting book, but I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't even concentrate on the movies; they were two of my favorite movies, girl-power movies, but that didn't even matter.
I hate the stagnant nature of my life. The major sacrifice I've made in moving out of my mother's house is the freedom and means to leave whenever I wanted. I don't have the haven I'm used to; the haven, of course, was Brian's house, but I feel just as trapped there as I do sitting on the couch in our room. I haven't stopped loving his house; still, it feels as if I'm taking of advantage of a situation that escaped my control a long time ago.
There are so many thoughts and feelings careening around in my head and I wish I could put a voice to them, to express them and so purge my system of every harmful one, yet the words are sitting across the room and laughing at me. Cruel laughter; I can hear it when I think of nothing. I see faces laughing when I close my eyes, in those moments before I'm thrust into a dream that is somehow more attractive than real life. I'm calling out to God and ignoring Him at the same time. I can't seem to follow through on my promises to Him; I vow to myself that I'm going to pray every night, to read my Bible and study this eternal life into which I've been brought, but more and more I feel I'm not worthy of salvation.
Christ, tourniquet, my suicide...
I'm not worthy of death, either; to bring it about of my own volition would be the greatest sin I could commit. I want to enjoy life, not to end it. Not to say that I don't wait with barely concealed excitement for the day when this life will be over and I can take on my heavenly body to be with my Lord and Savior...but until it is so willed by God, it is my privilege and my responsibility to stay here and make the best of things. If only I knew how...