Strength

I am seen as a strong person. I suppose that sometimes inner strength shows through and instead of going my own way I listen to God telling me what the next step is. There are times though, especially the last three days or so, when all of my strength leaves me and I want to curl up in a dark corner and cry.
The details aren't important, I suppose - I'll remember them when I come back to this and wonder what I was thinking. I've been letting fear run my life. Fear is an angry little creature driven by bad experience and anger, and the only place it leads is to hate. I don't have room for hate in my life. Fear, however, just moves in on top of all the good emotions - the liking, the love, the compassion - and squashes them until they can't breathe, turning me into this diseased and bitchy shell.
Here's the irony - the anger and the fear are all directed at a person whom I've never had the agony of meeting. And I wish I could meet her, so I could yell and scream and cry in her face and show her what she has done to me... But I've done it to myself, as far as I can tell. I can't blame her for anything but willful disregard, and that doesn't cover 99% of the torture I've been through. After all, you can't blame somebody for thinking only about herself, even if that means you get stomped on in the process.
My fear is irrational. My fear is harmful. My fear is foolish. And if I let it, my fear will kill everything I hold dear more completely and effectively than I could. Dear God, just let me get over the fear. The happiness is there, and it's here in my heart...help me get it into the light so it can grow.