Backstage

I’m sitting here, again, feeling as if I’ve never left this backstage area. I don’t think now, after some experience, that I could handle theatre being my entire existence. I love acting and even, to some extent, the technical aspects. Still, I don’t think it’s the right thing for me. I don’t have the focus necessary, not like Kyle does. I’ll find my niche somewhere else, but it certainly isn’t here.
I don’t understand how some people can find it such hard work to keep a journal. For me the experience is therapeutic. It’s so easy to sit here and put down my own feelings and to analyze them from a safe distance. I think it’s even easier than trying to figure out feelings while they’re still rolling around inside my head.
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, and I’m so excited! I have this amazing surprise in store for Brian; I can’t write what it is because he may read this and if he does then I don’t want to spoil it. All I can say is that it will be spectacular, and I hope he likes it as much as I do. Tomorrow night we’re going to Red Lobster for dinner, my treat. We fought about that, but I won. I’m going to tell the waiter before we get to the table that I want the check, so he better not even think about paying.
Oh, and his present. It wasn’t my first choice but when I saw it I liked it and I think that he will too. My mom told me to buy him a box of candy but please - what guys wants flowers and chocolates? His mom’s getting flowers, though, ‘cause she’s such an amazing person that she deserves something in return for everything she does. I hope when I’m a mother my children will be able to say that about me.
Brian read my other blog, the one I haven’t used since before we started going out. The last entry, *sigh*, was partially about him. The rest of it was about Kyle, and that right there is a subject that I’ve never broached with him. I mean, he knows that we were best friends, and that I’ve known him longer than any of my other friends. But he doesn’t know about the rest of it, all the years I spent wishing that maybe he would see me as something more. Of course, it was all an ideal. The idea that we could ever have been together was a pipe dream, and not because I didn’t deserve it, either. When it all came down to simplest terms, it just wasn’t meant to be. I’ve ended up far happier with Brian than I ever could have been with Kyle.
That’s something else that completely astounds me. I can’t even begin to put into words just how much I love Brian. He’s restored my sanity and my faith in love and other people. He’s flawed, far from perfect, but I wouldn’t have him any other way. His heart is so sweet, and when I look into his eyes I’m right where I need to be. Sometimes I’m worried that he doesn’t believe me, that maybe he thinks it’s all a game or an amusement for me, but I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life. And I’ll take the rest of my time on earth to prove it to him, come what may.